I’m finally making my future what I want it to be. My mental health is still fucked, it is truly astounding how much time I spend at the hospital for this or that. I’m stressed as hell but I know in 2 months I am on my way to enjoying school again. I didn’t always despise learning. Once upon a time school was fun then high school hit and I was actually responsible for my own education but without the choice to take exactly what I want. Now I am so close to 4 years of art. Useless maybe but I’m willing to work at it to never have to get a boring job. I’m a colourful and ridiculous person, there is no possible way I am sitting in a grey cubicle the rest of my life. Photography though I can see myself enjoying adulthood. I’m still a mess but I am now a mess with a plan.
Yes all the photos in this post are mine, probably should watermark them but hey it’s fine for now.
I never want to draw attention to myself, but that's all I do.
Me in a single quote, the accuracy is too much.
The future. A terrifying and haunting topic that I keep hearing about. I’m in a lucky place, I have an idea of what I want to do and where would be good places to go. Yet I’m still fucked. Grades I could only dream of, money I don’t have. Stepping into the rest of my life, yeah right. I feel like I have so much planed but I’m so lost it’s crazy. Even though I know why I need good marks in certain classes it all still feels like I’m going nowhere and as time keeps passing I’m stuck. I wake up late, “listen” to my “friends” until my actual friends come, go to music, sleep through math, lunch, spare, survive history, go home and eat in my pjs. What excitement I know. Maybe its my anxiety. Maybe it’s just being a teenager. Maybe it’s both. Ever feel like you’re in a hole with nowhere to go? Yeah me too. I’m on edge and ready to sleep until death. I mean I haven’t given up yet. I’m still trying in my classes and getting stuff done on time for once. One day I’ll get used to change or maybe I won’t.
Music is something I’ve always connected with. It can explain how you’re feeling or help change your mood. It’s something that when you find a song or a band you love is one of the greatest feelings. The one singers voice, that riff that works so well, the driving bass line you can feel, I can go on forever. I know people who couldn’t care less about music but I was just never like that. I cling to certain sounds I guess. Sebastian Bach or Jon Bon Jovi’s voices, Duff Mckagan’s bass lines, Steven Adler’s drumming with so much feel. Weirdly enough, Axl Rose and Slash’s speaking voices, I don’t even know. Ignoring how weird that sounds, back to drummers. Steven Adler does this and so does Tommy Lee, though I’m not a huge Mötley Crüe fan, they drum from this natural place. I love people who when you hear them play you know it’s not all technique, sure complex technique is impressive but it doesn’t feel the same. Maybe I’m just weird, maybe no one cares about that or the way you can feel it in your whole body. Same with bass lines, for anyone who sees this look up Guns N’ Roses bass only. Just that part on Welcome To The Jungle is so cool to me, it’s such a pleasant sound and proves how much you really do need the bass or it’s not the same. If you didn’t notice I’m a big GNR fan. Ville Valo is another good example though, I could listen to him sing or talk forever. There is something so comforting about a familiar melody or voice, it’s like getting a hug. I enjoy finding new music but there is just some songs I need to come back to. Same with I love screaming guitars, dirty punk, all of that but some days a good slow or acoustic song sung by a voice I love is all I need. I say as I’m listening to Always by Bon Jovi… I could go on and on about what I love about a band or a song or a band member. It’s an addiction really. To stop the rambling, what music means to me is comfort. It’s a figurative warm safe place that’s always there.
Sunday afternoon. What should be a relaxing pajama day or a few hours out for a drive is currently way to stressful. I need a job, I really am aware of that but I just can’t bring myself to be that worried. I want to travel next year, I want to go to university, I want to buy what I want. Yet here I am. Too anxious about both not having a job and the idea of actually getting one. I applied some places, got turned down or no response. That’s concerning to me but I have also never been so relieved. We live in a time where students need to get jobs, especially ones going into their senior year. I want one so bad but I’m not sure, my mind is a cluttered and strange place. I’m not exactly sure what the problem is but something is clearly wrong. So that’s how my day is going. Attempting to stay calm via chill music but in reality I’m so distressed it’s ridiculous.
Every time I turn on my phone there is a notification. Not a text or a missed call. Not even Instagram reminding me to view Wil Wheaton’s newest photo. Tumblr. I see a note or a follow on an account that wasn’t supposed to become anything. An account that I agreed to be a part of in passing, based on a topic I really don’t care for, making me synonymous with a character from a franchise I know nothing about. Started for fun maybe 6 months ago, now we post to just over 4600 followers. A strange goal that has entered the mind of every young person nowadays, to be popular on the internet. I wanted to be liked, I needed to be liked. Now my personality is apparently liked. People think that I’m funny and they connect with me. At the same time it’s weird, everyone has the freedom to make assumptions but it’s added stress that so many people are judging everything you do. Why did that photo get less likes than that quote or why are people asking for more of a certain character and not me? Nothing has changed in my life, I still go about as normal with the knowledge that if I say something remotely entertaining that it will end up out there for all to see. Every teen and young adult, even kids now, want to become internet famous. Hell, I wanted to not bother with higher education so bad and figured that that was the perfect way to make money. All having followers means is you’ve done something someone likes, not even more than once, enough to agree to see you again. When did popularity become a contest for power not love? I always thought the “popular bitch” in high school was just the vain kid that wanted to be worshiped, not the one who wanted to control the time of teens across the world. Maybe I’m just stuck in an era before my time and I should pray to hit 10 000 or 100 000.
I can’t breathe.
Everything is dark.
Time is irrelevant.
My heart is my only focus.
Am I dying?
Is this how it ends?
No, I can hear again.
Voices? Confused voices.
My breathing starts to normalize.
My faces is wet, tears?
Am I in pain? No, just sore.
How long have I been like this?
Minutes or hours, it’s all a blur.
I think I’m okay.
I can’t see or move.
People are coaxing me to speak.
I try, I know what to say.
I can’t make a sound.
I’m hot, it’s like I’m closed in.
I look up for air.
I can see.
My eyes aren’t squeezed shut anymore.
I want to move and I’m sweating.
But I hide further into my clothes.
I want to disappear.
I stay silent.
All I see is sympathy.
Was I near death?
No, just a panic attack.